Black birds lead you to dark places.....

"Is it safe to swim in the ocean?" I asked him. "It's no problem for you my friend," he said.

His name was Coconus; and my boyfriend and I stared unflinchingly at the huge waves roaring across the cliffs wondering if Coconus could see what we saw. Why on earth did he think it was safe to swim in that mess he considered an ocean?



His skin was smooth and reminiscent of a facial scrub cleanser I once used while living in Vietnam. Whenever he spoke I could only focus on his eyes. They were the color of glass; not clear but foggy like it hadn't been washed for days.



We wanted to get high. "Oh, I can find you some magic mushrooms," he said. He returned in 20 minutes with a plastic bag full of wet grass. He kept a drunk personality and I assumed he never remembered much. He wanted us to eat the mushrooms with him so we did.



I wanted someone to explain the laughter. It didn't bother me but I wanted it to stop. I told my boyfriend I needed to walk around.

Gazing into the eyes of darkness, I stumbled across a giant bird. Coldness swept over me at once. "Most people feel cold in the presence of darkness," spoke the colossal creature. "Are you here to take me away?" I asked, and then I looked up, but he was gone.

Once I found my way through the abyss of solitude, I came back to see my boyfriend and Coconus drowning in oblivion. Their minds were lost but I didn't want to wake them. From across the room, I could see the giant bird staring at me. Rubbing my eyes for clarification, I thought, "How is this possible, had he followed me," "This isn't real; it's only a drug."

Coconus and my boyfriend began to dance and pray to the sky. It seemed rather interesting but nothing could take my eyes off the giant bird. His delicate, sensitive feathers occupied my mind with many things. Then, he began to weep. "Oh giant bird, don't cry, what makes you so sad," I asked.

He said he didn't understand why I had to die and that I was too young to walk with him. He felt bad for me because I had eaten the only poisonous mushroom in the bag.

HIDER

Sun beams float through the sheer curtains of the bedroom window.They are on the bed. And she is sitting on her hard metallic body. Her body wears only a pair of thin cotton orchid colored boxer shorts. Her small breasts cling to her metal chest, as if they know they are unrecognized and at some times even unwanted by her. Her steel legs stretching the length of the bed are still. From atop her she looks down into her stained glass eyes, and she sees nothing realistic, only what she might dream in euphoric dreams. She is amazed at the simplicity of the happiness her prescence, her touch, her submission, her intrigue gives, and almost can't believe it. When all of her is gone she probably won't believe it ever existed. Her still, lying metallic body begins to warm beneath she whom doesn't understand her. It is emotion that is warming her body, hot seething emotion coarses throughout her metallic body.Her aluminum hands suddenly raise to cover her face, like a child playing a game. Except her act is not a playful one.
She becomes frustrated with her hiding. "Uncover your beautiful face!", she says through clenched teeth, teeth clenched by anger's muscles. Her hands press tighter to her face, anticipating what would happen next.
She grabs the wrists of her alloyed arms, and pulls. "Stop being stupid!" she yells stiflingly down at her hidden face. She can't pry the aluminum fingers from her face. She begins to scratch at her alloyed arms. "Stop hiding from me!" she screams, finally projecting her full frustration. Her blown glass heart continues its steady beating.
She beats down on her metal chest."Let me in", she says not raising her voice this time, this time she's pleading.
This time the demand is sad to her, because her self wants to allow her aluminum hands to open and reveal her stained glass eyes, through which she can see her blown glass heart. Her self wants to, but a dilemna arises. The dilemna being that her self does not know how to explain her blown glass heart.
Many times,simply for the thrill, her metallic body has braved the rugged apocalyptic terrain of love with a formidable partner, and returned alone, blown glass heart in tact. It is believed by her that her blown glass heart remains undamaged, unbroken because her self keeps hidden her abstruse blown glass heart, and presents only her metallic exterior and delightful sparks to others. And here is she, looking past her shiny metallic exterior. Here is she searching and touching her blown glass heart!
It is just like life, to make something as dangerous as allowing someone to touch your most fragile part feel so inexplicably good.
Her self knows that if asked she would let her up, and she would likely walk away, but her self will not allow her to risk that either. Stained glass eyes covered, lying there inside her heavy metallic body. Her wits her knowledge her reasoning being rendered ineffective, it is as if the rules that have governed defensively her relationships in the past don't apply to she whom is now lying atop her, she who's beautiful head now lies on her metal chest, she who's cheek is pressed against her clinging breast, she who's lips lightly touch her skin.

It would be so Sad if I were Doing Bad

Things aren't so bad. I mean, I'm breathing on my own for one. I'm in good shape and seemingly in good health. I get attention when I go out which makes me feel confident. I love what whatever created me has done with me. I love what it has done with the person I love. I love what it has done with all it's creations if I think about it. I never saw an ugly sky. I never saw a closed sky, the sky has never hurt or dissappointed me. I never saw an ugly tree, or flower, or body of water. None of these have ever hurt or dissappointed me either. And I imagine that if I respect them, they never would. People aren't like that though. No matter how nice and respectful you are to a person, there is no guarantee that they will not hurt you. When you approach nature lovingly, it embraces you, I'm willing to bet always. But when you approach people lovingly the usual reaction is dismay.

Even so, I refuse to allow negative influences to make my life a sad one. I prefer it to be triumphant, If I'm able to do something REAL with my life after all of my follies, then I will have quite the inspirational story, which is something I would find extraordinarily useful. More useful than a million dollars, more useful than the latest iphone, more useful than all the memorized knowledge and calculating skills. YEah

Are we there yet? "How many licks until we reach the center of HEAVEN, mommy?"

How dare you condemn my brother for the path he has chosen? Who are you to say what he's doing is right or wrong? Matter of fact I think we'll all turn out better than you!

At least my brother is devoted to his family. Don't I deserve alittle more credit for not conceiving at a young age? At least our baby boy comes from a stable and loving home. I feel sorry for you. You say I'm not resourceful, but obviously I'm doing something right, I have a job, and a damn good one too.

Why do you even want me to live with you? (Subconscious mind: He needs you; he doesn't have anyone else). "I love you and I want us to be together forever." You need to be honest with yourself. (Subconscious mind: He can't face the truth). Until then, I should be on my own. I need stability. "Ask anyone, I'm the most stable person you'll ever meet." You're always putting other people down. I believe the way you treat others is a reflection of what you feel inside. You say you're joking but every joke has a ring of truth. "Baby, I don't mean to hurt you, I'm only kidding."

If you really feel that damn peaceful than why is there a cloud of negativity looming over your head? (Subconscious mind: Deep down inside he knows that he's a failure but he refuses to present himself as a vulnerable creature). My mother may not be as worldy as you, but she has worked damn hard to build a foundation for her family. She hasn't traveled to exotic places and could barely read 15 years ago but she's always gonna be there no matter what. Dad, I honestly don't know if I can say that about you.

I know that you love me and at times you care, but seriously,what are your motives? (Subconscious mind: You're the only person that understands him).What are you feelings deep down inside? "I don't have a relationship with any of my kids." "I don't have anyone; it doesn't matter whether I live or die." You're constantly trying to prove something to yourself and others.

You criticize their pain yet it parallels the anguish you caused from not being in my life.

You can't serve well two masters

I read this in the bible or somewhere, I forget where. But I think that it's true, and I think that it is my problem. I want to be good and innocent, and I do things that are good and innocent which build good energy. But then I turn around and do things that are excepted by society but that I know aren't neccesarily positive things. I justify doing these things, by telling myself that, everyone does it. But that doesn't make it okay. I know deep down that what I am doing, I am doing in front of spirits of those I love and respect. And I am doing what I am doing in front of an intelligent entity out there that has great influence over my life and the world I live in. And If I didn't block thought from entering my mind, I'd actually feel ashamed. It is lucky for me that those invisible forces that have such great control over my life are constantly forgiving, all I have to do is be good, as a show of faith that I can be good in the future, and they'll manipulate things favorably for me. But when I'm getting things straight with them, I inevitably hit a difficult patch. Something I need make right that seems impossible. This something is the negative influence that I have had on my brother. When I am not blocking thought, the regret and guilt of being a cold, unapproachable, at a time even sinister sister debilitates me. I don't know how to make it better, and so I go back to those things that help me to block thought. Television, masturbation, video games, once apon a time marijuana, and once even alchohol. I have found ways to beat so much of my guilt and regret, but to be honest I have no idea how I could fix things with my brother, and I am very afraid of trying. I once felt like the one missing relationship in my life was the relationship I share with the person I share this blog with. But I was wrong, It took reaching once again my to date zenith of happiness to realize that there is at least one more. My relationship with my brother.
If I could make well my relationship with my brother, then maybe my happiness would be invincible, nothing could destroy it. And at the same time I'm sure issues would be resolved for him, he'd be able to let go of the resentment that I know he has for me. And be able to love me the way I know that he does.

So you think I'm a hoe? You think I'd just lie down with anyone? Well, I'm not like you. Yeah, some punk ass motherfucker got lucky because I was horny. They didn't deserve me but I didn't know it then. I just wanted someone to love me; but it wasn't real love.

I wanted him to beat me. I needed to feel a different kind of pain. It lasted for hours. I told him not to stop; I perceived love as something painful. He urinated in my mouth and dragged me in the street. It wasn't real love but the only way I knew how to love.

He didn't want to kiss me down there. He said it was the smell or something about the way it looked. I can't remember. We only watched TV and talked about movies. He laughed when they called me stupid. It wasn't real love but the way I wanted to be loved.

Lonely like the way the ocean feels at night. Across from lonely I refuse to fathom. Left lonely because... I'm fucking up. Don't trust me because I can't trust myself. I wish that I could consistently be someone that I love. Unsure, not thoughtful, but always thinking. I don't fare in dark places, only light can save what I've earned.