as i get older i lose more and more my empathy for people
it is chipped at like a huge block of ice
i sometimes fear that i will become someone without empathy
if that happens
then when i die
if i rob cheat adulter defame or deface
my greatest crime will still have been that I felt only my own feelings

I don't care If I go straight to hell for it,I hate ma mere.

I hate her. She's the opposite of everything I wish she could be. I despise everything about her. I have no respect for her. And what makes it worst, is that I feel a responsibility to her as long as I am around her. And many times in attempting to appease her, I've fucked up things for myself. I beleive that she wants me to end up like her. And I think that that's sick. To hold your child back is sick. The most triumphant words I've ever spoken to her were "You always ask me and Rakeen what we'd do without you, well I'm doing better without you" and I was. I was normal without her, here I am, back where It's easier but ironically more stressful. It felt so good to be away from her. I never have to even think about her when I'm away from her. When I don't have to see her face. When I don't have to smell the air fresheners and disinfectant sprays. I don't have to hear that loud screaching voice. I don't have to watch her pittiful half-assed attempts at change. There have been strangers that listened to me better than my own mom. My biggest fear, is succumbing to her power over me, and never doing anything with my life like her. Being a big talker but a coward like her. Yes maaming and yes sirring people in order to get what she wants. Making people feel sorry for her, in order to get handouts. Having complete disregard for EVERYONES feelings, yet being ultra-sensitive herself. I hate my mother. She smokes to keep from changing, to keep from having relationships, to keep from thinking, to keep from taking responsibility. I hate my mother. And my fear which is worst than my fear of becoming like her, is my fear of never being able to break down her defenses by gaining leverage through independence. If I can free myself from her completely then, she'll have to meet my demands in order to have a relationship with me. Comfortable free living is the vice that keeps me in her shadow, but one day, one day she'll pay. We always reap what we sow.