I WISH THAT SHE COULD SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING TO ME

"I wish that she could see what she's doing to me", this is what I said into the mirror every night, since she'd decided that she was all those things I'd been telling her she was from the beginning. Envision, experience in your mind, a woman beautiful as the moonless night is dark. Intelligent as soft clay, with a spirit that attracts all humanity. One can see why I didn't walk far away from her, even though she often forgot my heart in pursuit of other's. She wants to be loved and admired by all, not just me. I'm not enough and I accepted that. I think that she resents me for my simplicity. She tolerated my smile that needs no conscious reason. " What are you smiling about?" she'd say sometimes expressing her annoyance. I used to be big colorful balloons on the board walk to her, she'd smile aloud at my touch. And now, now that she believes so fully in her light, the same light that drew me to her the first time I saw her, I no longer possess any grandeur in her eyes. All this would have been fine, if she hadn't tried to hurt me. If she would have accepted me as I am. Accepted the way that I choose to be great. My progression in life is invisible off the paper. I asked her to look at what I write, but she'd be too busy. I didn't have to ask her where her energy went. I know that it went to other people.

I don't know if it was the constant request that brought on the severity of the affliction, or if it was just that last time I said "I wish that she could see what she's doing to me". That last time I looked into the bathroom mirror and traveled deep into space where dreams come from and wished with all the love and honesty that I have inside me. Maybe that last plea bought my wish, and maybe the tears that followed were my receipt.

Be careful what you wish for.

Day came after that night I traveled to get my wish. I woke next to the woman that I need. I lay in our bed watching her as she continued to sleep. She opened her eyes and saw that I'd been watching her and asked "Why are you watching me sleep, don't you have anything to do?". She turned away from me and lay there a few minutes longer, before getting up to shower. I would usually feel hurt by such a reaction to my loving her, but that morning I felt nothing inside as she assaulted my feelings. I thought to myself while looking at her back, maybe I don't need her appreciation anymore. Maybe this is the execution of my wish. I became jubilant with the belief that I could love the woman I needed without pain or drain. I met her at the bathroom door as she was leaving the bathroom, I kissed her. "Ughhh You haven't brushed your teeth yet!". I smiled realizing the absence of the usual sting that followed a reaction like that. I remember looking in the mirror to brush my teeth and seeing two tiny cuts on my lip. I wondered for some moments how I could have gotten them, but dismissed the query for the joy I felt at my relationship's miraculous new condition. I caught her as she was leaving for the day, I grabbed her around her waist and pulled her into me, without the usual fear of rejection, I looked her deep into her eyes and kissed her the way I used to when she held me in esteem. She looked suprised when our mouths parted. "Goodbye" she said with a smile of suspicion. I felt so good that day that I sat down at my desk and wrote like I hadn't written in years. I developed several stories that day, and even completed one.
That night we made love, and without the fear of her complaints about my lovemaking I lost inhibition and raised us up into that place where I went for my wish. It was wonderful. "You're too heavy let me be on the top, you should think about losing some weight." "Maybe if you got a real job you'd be more active." she'd say in between ecstastic moans. After she climaxed she asked me why I hadn't cleaned the house. I recounted to her with great excitement my day of utter literary productivity. She was asleep before I finished speaking. Again I didn't feel inside me the crush of disappointment. I held her that night, I hadn't been able to hold her without crying for a long time, and felt grateful that night to be holding her so easily. She felt better than I remembered. I started to doze off when I felt a stream of something wet and thick moving down my arm. I went to the bathroom. There was a huge gash in my arm, it looked as though someone had been trying to chop my arm off with a meat cleaver. I hadn't remembered hurting myself. But I had been so airy lately that I assumed I'd cut myself on something without realizing it. I worked on the wound with the first aid kit,and went back to bed.

"There's blood all over these sheets!" I awoke to her screams. "It's no big deal" I told her."I'll wash them today" "It's no big deal to you because you didn't buy them!". I usually felt small and inadequate when she asserted the fact that she payed for more than I. I felt nothing though, as I removed the sheets from the bed. I did however see another elusive cut on my other arm. As she left that day, I kissed her the same as the day before. " You think you're a lothario now". Her comment although condescending did not elicit an emotional response. After seeing her out, I went to get the sheets from the dryer. When I reached for the dryer door I noticed a bruise on the back of my hand. I began to become conscerned. I called my doctor to make an appointment. I got an appointment for that same day. "Your blood tests came back fine." "You are a very healthy person." he said to me, with conscern in his eyes. "Could there be something else going on here." "I'm not hurting myself if that's what you think." "Maybe you should go for some psychological testing". I laughed off his insinuation. I prided myself on my even temper and patience, I felt as though I was the most mentally stable person I knew. At home, later that day I wondered though, could I have finally snapped, then dismissed the notion immediately. I knew that I wasn't hurting myself. The phone rang, it was the woman I needed. "I'm going to be home late this evening." she told me. I told her about my scars and bruises, and what the doctor said. "Yeah well maybe you just need to be more careful, bye." She hung up before I could tell her that I was scared. I put the phone on the reciever and noticed yet another new scar on the back of my hand.
I stayed up that night because I worry about her when she's out late at night. I don't call her though because I want to give her her space, and so I stayed up until I knew that she was home safe. She came in that night completely sober, and so I knew that she hadn't been out with friends. "Where were you", I asked her. She looked at me with such indignation as though my question didn't warrant an answer. If this had happened before I was granted my wish, I'm sure the look she gave me would have made me wince with excruciation. Her expression then changed immediately to one of terror. "Baby your face." she said. "What about my face?" I asked before I saw the blood run down to the tip of my nose and drip off. I ran to the bathroom and there was a large diagonal slit in my forehead. The woman I needed frantically sought to bandage it. "I saw it. It looked as though someone invisible was cutting your face open", she said. I could feel her hands trembling as she bandaged me. When we returned from the emergency room that night, and lay down to sleep she asked me to hold her. And I forgot about everything. The days that followed that night were heavenly. The woman that I needed, had suddenly decided to appreciate me more. She thanked me for the small gestures of love, she praised me for what she could, and held back on putting me down. She came home after work every night. She even read my stories. The scars stopped showing up, and it seemed that all our problems were behind us. Till one day, the woman I need stormed into the house fuming. I was sitting on the couch writing, when she accosted me, "My car note hasn't been paid for the last five months; they towed my car while I was at work today." "Do you know how emberrassing that was for me? No you wouldn't know, because you spend all your time in a fucking dream world!" " I'm tired of trying to be nice to you, you haven't gotten any of those nasty cuts in days. There's nothing wrong with you, so don't expect any more pity from me. I bring the money in here, why are the bills not being paid!" I thought for a moment as to what could have happened, and realized that I'd forgotten to replace a canceled credit card on the online billpay. I calmly explained this to her without the fear that I possessed in the past. "You have one or two things to do around here. You're here all day, what was on your mind that you'd forget.?" "God what are you good for?" I felt nothing inside as she berrated me, but on the outside I felt a wetness in the back of my boxer shorts. After her tirade I went to the bathroom to investigate. There were several vertical cuts running down my back. She burst into the bathroom to tell me one more thing, and saw me looking at my clawed back in the mirror. I think that we both knew at that moment, that it was her that was causing these mysterious abrasions.

"I'm doing it to you", she stated astonished. My mind then flashed back to that night I'd stood in the same bathroom mirror wishing that she could see what she was doing to me. Be careful what you wish for indeed. One might have assumed I lived with a ferocious beast looking at my mangled body. And as I looked at my sad abused body I realized that she was not the,she, I referred to in my wish. I was the she. I saw for the first time what I was doing to myself. I decided that I was the woman that I needed, not her. I took my laptop and some papers. I walked out of the house. I never went back. I healed.